Things I Wish I’d Known About Adoption Before We Started - Love Beyond Biology: Our UK Adoption & Parenthood Journey

Before we started our adoption journey, I thought I understood what lay ahead. I knew it would be emotional. I knew there would be waiting. What I didn’t realise was how much it would change me.

I Didn’t Realise How Much I Would Change

The process itself taught me how to surrender to what is completely outside of my control. For someone who likes to plan and organise, that didn’t come easily. Adoption taught me patience, perseverance, and resilience — through the highs, the lows, and everything in between.

And then there’s motherhood. That’s a transformation all of its own.

I am a very different woman to who I was before, and even to who I imagined I would be. I am more tired than I’ve ever been, and I often come at the bottom of my own pile. But I am also the happiest I’ve ever been. Becoming Willow’s mum is the most important title I will ever have.

The Waiting Is Harder Than You Expect

The uncertainty was one of the hardest parts — especially as someone who likes structure. I would be physically at work, but mentally somewhere else entirely. We were often given rough timeframes for updates that sometimes never came.

I wanted to do something. I wanted to make things happen. But there was nothing I could do except wait.

Yes, some people on our prep course waited far longer than us — not just for matching, but for assessments, social worker allocation, and more. But knowing that didn’t make our wait feel any less real. Waiting is still waiting when your heart is fully invested.

The Things People Say (Even When They Mean Well)

I didn’t realise the kinds of things people would say.

One comment I really struggle with is, “Oh, she won’t remember anything before you.” I want to defend her story. People have no idea what she lived through or the impact early experiences have on a developing brain — but what can you say in that moment?

Other comments caught me completely off guard at the start:
“She seems really normal.”
“What happened to her real parents?”

I used to freeze, fumble, and not really know how to respond. Now, I’ve learned to have set responses — what I’m comfortable sharing and what I’m not. No one is entitled to Willow’s story.

Post-Adoption Support Isn’t as Easy as You’d Think

I assumed there would be more support after adoption. I thought people would check in occasionally, respond quickly, and help us work through things like contact.

A plan was put in place — by others — suggesting family counselling for a while. It wasn’t even my idea, but we were completely open to doing whatever was best for Willow. I assumed it would be arranged.

I’m still waiting to hear back.

It was left as though, if we really felt we needed it, we could arrange it ourselves — even though the recommendation didn’t come from us in the first place. That was a hard realisation.

The Assessment Holds Up a Mirror

The assessment process holds a mirror up to your life. There’s no hiding at any stage.

It showed me what I avoid, what I could improve on, but also my strengths. It highlighted how strong and stable my marriage is, and how blessed I am in my upbringing and family support.

We learned so much about how we communicate, and those lessons have stayed with us long after the assessment ended.

Here are a few of the books that really helped us early on:
What to Expect When You’re Adopting…: A practical guide to the decisions and emotions involved in adoption by Dr Ian Palmer
The A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting: Strategies and Solutions by Sarah Naish
No Matter What: An Adoptive Family’s Story of Hope, Love and Healing by Sally Donovan
Preparing for Adoption: Everything Adopting Parents Need to Know About Preparations, Introductions and the First Few Weeks by Julia Davis

What I’d Tell Someone Just Starting Out

You will have control over very little. Much of the time, this journey happens to you, not because of you. You learn to live with the what-ifs, the maybes, and the uncertainty.

Your social worker is not your enemy. They’re not trying to catch you out. They genuinely want to understand who you are — as a person or as a couple — and they want you to succeed.

Be honest. They’re not looking for perfection. They’re looking for people who know they’re not perfect, who can reflect, learn, and grow.

Helpful Resources

You Can Adopt – official UK adoption information and resources.
CoramBAAF – advice, books, and professional guidance on fostering and adoption.
Adoption UK – community, support, and information for adopters and prospective adopters.
First4Adoption – clear guidance on the adoption process in England.
PAC-UK – support for adoptive families, children, and professionals.

Looking for adoption reads? Visit The Reading Corner, our hand-picked selection of adoption and parenting books (affiliate links, supporting UK independent bookshops).

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