Letterbox Contact With Birth Family: Keeping in Touch UK - Love Beyond Biology: Our UK Adoption & Parenthood Journey

There’s a part of the adoption process that isn’t spoken about very often, but weaves its way through adoptive family life — keeping in touch. You might hear it called contact, letterbox contact, or a keeping-in-touch agreement. Whatever the name, it’s one of the most emotionally complex parts of adoption.

It’s also one of the hardest to write about.

Learning about Contact

During training, we did an exercise around contact. The room was laid out with different levels — face-to-face contact at one end, no contact at the other, and letterbox contact somewhere in between. We were asked to physically stand where we felt most comfortable.

I remember feeling unsettled and wanting to stand at no contact. Not because I didn’t care, but because I didn’t yet understand what contact would really mean. At that stage, it was abstract, a concept rather than a lived experience.

I stood somewhere in the middle. No face-to-face contact, but open to letterbox contact. At the time, it felt like a reasonable, safe place to be.

What I didn’t know then was that contact isn’t something you decide once and feel settled about forever.

Sitting With Discomfort

Contact made me uncomfortable at the start. And if I’m being honest, it still does sometimes.

That discomfort hasn’t disappeared with time. Instead, I’ve had to learn to sit with it, to check my own emotions. To notice when something brings up fear, anger, sadness, or protectiveness, and ask myself whose needs those feelings belong to.

Because this part of adoption isn’t about what feels easiest for me. It’s about what’s best for Willow.

That can be a hard thing to get your head around, especially in the early days. And I think it’s important to say this out loud: finding contact hard doesn’t make you a bad adopter. It makes you human.

Writing without Expectation

We were told early on not to expect replies to our letters.

Contact is a thread, left open, without any guarantee it will be picked up. That helped set expectations, but it didn’t stop us hoping Willow might have something tangible from her birth family, something written in their own words.

So far, we’ve been incredibly lucky to receive two replies.

I often think about the courage it must have taken to write them. I imagine how hard it must be to sit down and put words on paper, knowing they will one day be read by a child you cannot parent. Those letters may feel small now, but they may be incredibly important to Willow one day — pieces of her story and information that only her birth family can give her.

That matters more than my comfort ever could.

Holding Mixed Emotions

This is the part that’s hardest to write about.

Children are not taken into care for no reason. That truth sits heavily with me. I carry anger, alongside deep sadness for the circumstances that led us here. Those feelings exist — and pretending they don’t wouldn’t be honest.

But holding anger or grief doesn’t mean I should ever deny her the chance to know her story.

Contact isn’t about rewriting the past or pretending things were different. It’s about acknowledging that her life didn’t begin with us, and that her identity is bigger than our family alone. Even when my feelings are complicated, even when parts of her story hurt to think about, that thread still matters and it always will.

Protecting Her Story

Our keeping-in-touch arrangements are deeply personal — to Willow and to her birth family. What I can share is this: contact is not neat. It carries grief, compassion, tension, hope, and responsibility all at once. It asks you to hold truths that can feel uncomfortable, and to keep choosing your child’s long-term wellbeing over your short-term feelings.

Some days, contact feels like a privilege, Some days, it feels like a ache. Both can exist at the same time.

Books That Helped Me Understand Identity, Contact, and Story

The Primal Wound – Nancy Verrier
This book helped me understand why early separation matters, even when a child is adopted young and deeply loved. It gave language to the invisible impact of loss and reinforced why honouring Willow’s full story — not just the parts that are comfortable — is so important.

No Matter What – Sally Donovan
This was one of the first books that made adoption feel human rather than procedural. Sally’s honesty about love, loss, and parenting a child with a history helped me sit more compassionately with the emotional realities of contact and identity.

Adoption Unfiltered: Revelations from Adoptees, Birth Parents, Adoptive Parents, and Allies
I’ve only just read this and it’s fantastic. This book brings together voices from across the adoption constellation. Hearing adoptee, birth parent, and adoptive parent perspectives side by side helped me understand identity and contact in a much broader, more honest way.

Adopting a Child – Jenifer Lord
This book offered a grounded, thoughtful look at adoption without pretending it’s neat or easy. It helped me reflect on my own expectations and understand how much of adoption is about emotional readiness and ongoing reflection.

Final Thoughts

Keeping in touch is not something we’ve “figured out.” We continue to navigate, thoughtfully, as Willow grows.

It’s about leaving doors open, even when doing so is emotionally complex. It’s about honouring her full story — not just the parts that are easy to sit with. And it’s about understanding that adoption doesn’t erase the past; it asks us to hold it with care.

If contact gives Willow even one extra piece of understanding about who she is and where she comes from, then it’s worth every uncomfortable feeling along the way.

Helpful Resources

You Can Adopt – official UK adoption information and resources.
CoramBAAF – advice, books, and professional guidance on fostering and adoption.
Adoption UK – community, support, and information for adopters and prospective adopters.
First4Adoption – clear guidance on the adoption process in England.
PAC-UK – support for adoptive families, children, and professionals.

Looking for adoption reads? Visit The Reading Corner, our hand-picked selection of adoption and parenting books (affiliate links, supporting UK independent bookshops).

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