Is Adoption Right for Me? The Questions We Asked Ourselves - Love Beyond Biology: Our UK Adoption & Parenthood Journey

When we first started thinking about adoption, it felt overwhelming. There’s so much information out there, and yet the real questions, the ones you end up whispering to yourself at night, are harder to find.

We can’t tell anyone whether adoption is right for them. That’s such a personal journey. But what we can do is share the questions we asked ourselves. Some came up early, before we even booked the information event. Others hit us later, during training, home visits, and even after our daughter moved in.

Maybe you’re here because you’re wondering too. If so, I hope some of these questions help you reflect, the way they helped us.

1. Why adoption, and why now?

For us, adoption didn’t appear out of nowhere. We’d been through infertility, and when we reached the point of letting go of that path, adoption was what felt right.

But we had to ask ourselves would we feel ready to step into it wholeheartedly, not as a “second-best” option?

There’s no right or wrong here, but being honest about the “why” mattered. For us, it was about wanting to become parents, there’s more than one path to parenthood. Over time, it stopped being “instead of” and simply became the way. I always say now it was never second best, it was just unexpectedly right.

2. Are we ready to parent a child with a history?

Every child who’s adopted has experienced loss, separation, and disruption. Even if they were moved as a baby, their story carries trauma. That was a big shift in our thinking: adoption isn’t about giving a child “a better life” it’s about giving them safety, love, and stability while also holding their story with care.

We asked ourselves: could we step into that? Could we accept the unknowns and the hard days?

And honestly, we didn’t have all the answers. But being willing to learn about therapeutic parenting, and accepting that adoption isn’t the same as parenting by birth, felt like the first step.

3. What kind of support network do we really have?

I think we underestimated this one. It’s easy to say “we’ve got friends and family” — but adoption requires a different kind of support. People who will accept therapeutic strategies, who won’t question why your child reacts differently, who’ll respect boundaries around sleepovers or big family gatherings.

We asked: who do we actually have around us? Who will show up when we’re running on empty?

We are extremely lucky for our family and how they showed up and are still showing up during this process.

4. How do we feel about contact with birth family?

This was something we didn’t fully understand until training. Contact is such a huge part of adoption now — whether it’s letterbox contact, or sometimes direct contact with siblings or birth parents.

We had to sit with our feelings on this. We are still learning how to navigate this part. Could we support our child in maintaining those connections if it was safe to do so, even when it might feel uncomfortable for us? Could we put her needs above our own emotions in that area?

The truth is, adoption isn’t about erasing a child’s past. It’s about helping them weave it into their present and future. That’s a big responsibility.

5. What does stability look like in our lives right now?

The agency asked this question early on, but it was one we asked ourselves too: are we stable enough for this?

Not perfect. Not flawless. Just stable. Adoption is demanding, emotionally and practically, and children need a base they can rely on. For us, that meant making sure our housing, work, and relationship were steady enough to weather the storm.

We also had to check in with our emotional stability. Were we in a place where we could give our best selves, even on the days that would drain us most?

6. What do we know about therapeutic parenting — and how willing are we to learn?

Before adoption, we’d never heard of therapeutic parenting. Now it’s a phrase we use daily. It’s about responding to behaviour with connection, not punishment. It’s about seeing the need behind the meltdown, not just the meltdown itself.

We didn’t need to know it all at the start — no one does. But we asked: are we open to this? Are we willing to re-learn what parenting looks like?

Because it isn’t always natural. And it takes humility to say: “We don’t have all the answers, but we’ll keep learning.”

7. How do we both (individually and as a couple) feel about the unknowns?

Adoption is full of them. Unknown family histories, unknown health conditions, unknown developmental needs.

We had to ask: are we comfortable stepping into uncertainty?

And honestly, sometimes we weren’t. But what helped was realising that no parent — adoptive or birth — gets guarantees. Parenting is always unknown. Adoption just makes that clearer from the start.

8. Are we prepared for the long process and emotional waiting?

The waiting. The endless forms. The home visits. The feeling that your whole life is under a microscope.

We had to ask: are we strong enough to get through this?

And some days, the answer felt like no. But the truth is, the process is there for a reason. It protects children. It makes sure they’re safe. And knowing that gave us the strength to keep going.

Final Thoughts

We don’t have a perfect checklist. Adoption isn’t about ticking boxes anyway. But looking back, these were the questions that shaped us, prepared us, and made us face our own fears.

If you’re here, wondering “is adoption right for me?”, maybe some of these questions will sit with you too. You don’t have to have every answer. You just have to be willing to reflect, to learn, and to grow.

Helpful Resources

You Can Adopt – official UK adoption information and resources.
CoramBAAF – advice, books, and professional guidance on fostering and adoption.
Adoption UK – community, support, and information for adopters and prospective adopters.
First4Adoption – clear guidance on the adoption process in England.
PAC-UK – support for adoptive families, children, and professionals.

Looking for adoption reads? Visit The Reading Corner, our hand-picked selection of adoption and parenting books (affiliate links, supporting UK independent bookshops).

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